I love having no parents around!

Last night was my first night of college! And of course, I got sufficiently wasted. But I wasn't sick! My roommate was, though. I love her though. She's kind of quiet but she's reallly really nice and caring, and funny! And she'd love to come further out of her shell, so... awesome! I'm looking forward to a good year. My parents are still here, in a hotel kind of far away, near Solvang... I'm excited to meet the rest of my floor! They're not here yet, but since Felicia is working, she's moved in already. I'm mostly moved in, I just have to organize my stuff and clean up our space... it's already cluttered :P
Anyway, I should go back to bed. I have really no idea why I'm up. I'm awake, though! And I went to DP and stayed out til one with Felicia... weird.
Back to bed! College is wayyy better than home. Way.
-Melissa

DDR Craaaaaving

Tonight was interesting.

I finally went out with Cliff tonight for a whileee... it was pretty nice. I asked him to impress me with his guitar hero skills, he did, we messed around for a bit... then we went to dinner at Cafe Baklava! My main reason for picking this place was A) Lizzie works there and B) LIZZIE works there. hahaha, I needed to see Lizzie working a job, standing on the street as a hostess, no less.
It was great. Food was great, Cliff was amusing (we had a weird conversation about santa), Lizzie was crazy and entertaining, etc.

Plus, Cafe Baklava is right next to the Scientology building, so there was a protest outside the asian market across the street against Scientology that we got to watch for the whole time. Rather amusing non-violent protest... Just 3-4 people with signs that said things like "Religion is FREE, Scientology is NOT" or "Stop Scientology's Human Rights Violations", wearing grinning V for Vendetta masks and bouncing around and dancing in step to the happy bouncy techno music/ethnic tunes that they were blasting. They danced to "Tunak Tunak Tun"! And the techno Pacman theme, and cotton-eyed joe and all these other random songs. Great free entertainment. And I totally think Scientology is a vacuous waste of time, money, and resources (and is generally ridiculous), so it was even better. Morals upheld!

Anyway, after we paid Lizzie her tip (2 dollars shoved into the bra like a common prostitute!) and she flashed Cliff and chased after a hot waiter that we begged her to seduce, we went back to Cliff's car.

And there it was, covered in post-it's. What the fuck?
Apparently his friend Alex found his car, covered it in post-its with a couple other people, and wanted him to go bowling with them. Zuhhh? Crazy!
How did she know where we were? How did she know where his car was? Creeeeeepy. Stalkers!

Anyway, he couldn't go bowling for the same reason he couldn't hang out with me longer, he "needs to sleep" so he can wake up insanely early tomorrow morning. Tch. Men.
I want sex! It's been almost two weeks. Driving me craaaaazy. But at least I got to see him.

Being awake while the rest of the world sleeps...

..is impossible.

Just think about it! I mean, everyone's on different time schedules like Pacific Time and Eastern Time and Korean Time and Idon'tfuckingcare time and so therefore someone's always going to be awake. Like at four in the morning, when I really want to call you and tell you how much I want you precisely at that moment but I know you'll either A) be asleep or B) be gone, I am not the only one staring at the world with open eyes and wondering why. Some motherfucker in Kazakstahan is awake, experiencing the same kind of 4 o'clock monotony. Only he's in the middle of the day, not exactly time for dinner and way past lunch. Why exactly do I want you? You aren't even very good for me, are you?

I'm finishing the notes for my Clockwork Orange project... and soon, very soon I will be done with my last high school project EVER. This is kind of scary. And awesome. I love not going to school and wasting my time taking inane notes or listening to teachers blather. Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I get some real education out of high school, but really... about 90 percent of it is crap. Although I absolutely hated the ridiculous amount of homework and projects that footcock gave us, I still enjoyed her class, suprisingly, and I feel like I actually got something worthwhile out of it. I feel like I actually... learned. How to prove myself and describe how I feel about an issue. What is foolish and what is worth exploring. Debating the value of sources.
Pretty cool stuff.
Cliff tomorrow! Yay.

Do Not Push

George Carwinkle spent his days at work in a glass box, pressing buttons all day long. The voluptuous red one was for the crane, the blue one was for the stirrer. As he pushed these buttons, his spidery fingers callused with boredom, scents of cocoa and its various complements wafted through the air, flirting with his overlarge nostrils. He would snort and cough, his eyes watering from the putridness of the smell. Oh, how he hated chocolate. He wanted to destroy the cavernous vats of cocoa, take apart the machines, and leave them to rot in their sickening squalor.

He couldn’t understand how he had gotten stuck here, producing this nightmarish dessert. George was consumed by rage at his situation, but what could he really do? His father ran the company for over 30 years, and now he was “obligated to continue in the tradition”. A slow and steady knock had resounded throughout the walls of George’s cheap apartment a few weeks earlier, almost displacing the furniture, as a man’s deep tremolo vibrated further, threatening eviction and eventual death. His chocolate mogul thug of a father had his little mob, and it was an offer he really couldn’t refuse.
He had a brief mental image of himself trapped on the main chocolate floor, writhing in sensual agony as deadly scents ensnared his innocent, uncorrupted nostrils, and throwing himself into a huge, glistening vat to drown peacefully, finally escaping that horrid smell.

Oh, god.

He awoke yet another day, squeezing along the freeways in his cramped SUV, and found himself in his glass coffin yet again. He alternately pushed red and blue buttons, developing a monotonous rhythm. After pressing each a series of 1001 times (he always counted down from 2000), George begin to feel a strange lightness in his forehead. He stopped pushing for a moment and felt the lightness course throughout his body.

Is my mascara running?

Man, yesterday I was lifeguarding at Denise's house for a little girl scout troop (fourth graders), and this gorgeous tiny black girl comes up to me and asks me that question. I just stared at her. What the fuckkk? Mascara? You're in fourth grade, honey.

How can such small children even think about makeup? Why would they honestly even care? I think it's unhealthy to be worried about your appearance so early in life. And to cover up your blemishes, to wear eyelash accentuators (mascara), to be "sexy"...
Who gives their child mascara, of all things, in the freaking fourth grade? It just feels wrong.

I don't think I even knew of makeup's existence until middle school, when girls began to transform from just girls to objects of attraction. Then people started misusing it or using it to their advantage, some with orange pancaked all over their face, others with eyeliner smudged all over their eyes like wild raccoons, and good looking girls using just a little more than neccessary to distinguish their popularity, lip gloss popping out from uniformly clean, slightly orange faces.

I had noticed, however, that unlike these clean faced pretty little girls, I was plagued with spots.. coverup became my go-to girl, always accessible in an obscure pocket in my backpack or purse. I was rarely without it. And this holds true today, actually. It's kind of sad. I feel like I have to put foundation on my face to even out the lessening spots and create an even skin tone.. I hate looking like a tomato with bright white skin around my eyes like I did before (a product of swimming, genetics, sun, caustic face lotions, goggles, and lack of sunscreen use). It's just not a good look for a girl. But I wish it was. I really wish I didn't have to wear makeup normally, but I know in reality I'm not going to stop anytime soon.

"I'm Sppecial"

Man, I'm such a stupid little girl around Cliff. I say the most obvious and inane statements possible. We count how many verbal blunders/inanities I make each time I see him... It's been like.. 20.. in the last two times! I'm just moved by hormones, jeez.
I SWEAR I AM NOT RETARDED! Just.. made stupid by sex hormones?
however...
PROM. WAS. BEST. THING. EVER.
Yes. It was.
So was the dancing! And the food! And the boat! And the friends! And the view! And the fabulously wonderful date!
To take a line from A Clockwork Orange ((weirdest, most disturbing, yet intriguing movie ever))
It was real horrowshow, my friends.

That One Day

God, I could feel the depression creeping in just an hour ago. It started after school, a faint hint of exhaustation and boredom and rejection, and steadily grew in my mind for a couple of hours, nutured by unchained anxiety. I really need to do something about these days. I know them all too well. And things can even be going mostly right, it'll just be... something that gets me off the handle eventually. My mind tends to escalate situations and overreact to them fully. I create entire scenarios in my brain... I don't think this is good for me.
Prom is tomorrow... and I'm so fucked for getting my shit together.

All Flesh Is Sass

Muchhhh stress. I have an AP Stats Final tomorrow morning (partt two of two) and I'm NERVOUS! I studied a bit, but nothing much. I neeed to, though. I got distracted by other homework and A Clockwork Orange...
Ahhhh! So much anxiety!! I want it to be over. NOW!
I want it to be Saturday so I can go to prom with Cliff. Sattturday neeeds to hurry up. And my final needs to explode and cease existing. I wish a supreme higher being could actually hear that and do something about it. Alas, all flesh is grass.
x Melissa

Drunken Norweigian Ukelele Players

First off, I'm having a pretty interesting life.
I asked Cliff to prom last night and he said sureeee! and now I have a fabulous prom date and I couldn't be happier. But I did have to track down a bunch of forms today to fill out, so that was annoying. But so worth it :P Now I have to buy a sexy dress, damn.
Hmm, and there was Ireland! I went with Madrigals last week. The flying/traveling was so tiring... but..
Basically, I had a pretty good time in Ireland. It's one of the most beautiful places in the world, in my opinion. Everything is so GREEN and you can see for MILES in the countryside and there's this miraculous juxtaposition of earth and sea and sky and trees and grass all at once! It's so epic. It was also reminiscient of the Shire, a little. I kept expecting hobbits to jump out of their invisible hobbit holes in the hills and come out and play with the beautiful yellow flowers and dance around with the millions of sheep all around! It was so... serene.
So, we visited Killarney (3 nights), Cork (2 nights), and Dublin(3 nights). It was awesome, except for two nights, when I just felt kind of isolated. Like, I kept hanging out with the same people, and although they were cool people, it's kind of good to get to know other people and mix it up. But I got over it, and I had a really good night on the last night.
On Sunday night, we went to a classic irish band performance and it was awesome and super fun. We acted like crazy drunk people :D When we came back, it was right before bed check. I, being the curious person I am, went upstairs to investigate the source of a weird noise. A bunch of other people were in the stairwell as well, wondering what the noise was..
Finally we determined that the noise was coming from a room in the 300 hallway. We could hear loud yelling and laughing and singing and some weird instruments twanging. Kathl and Michelle and bunch of us ran up to the door, and we were like... should we knock? Kathl finally did. These crazy drunken Europeans seemed to spill out into the hallway, yelling "COME IN!!" with bright smiles. We weren't convinced, until we saw that they had ukeleles and were singing songs! We were like hell yes, we'll join you! It was sooo much fun singing with them. We sang these random Norweigian songs and then old folk tunes and stuff like Jumbalayah on the Bayoouuuu!
It was epic. I think I had more fun singing and dancing with them in those 20 or so minutes than I've had in quite a while. Our choir teacher eventually even came in, cause she was wondering why like 15 of her students were missing. She found us randomly singing with drunken ukelele playing norweigians, and then SHE joined in! It was amaaaaazing.
Ireland was cool because of moments like that.

So, I've been really out of it for the last... while. Making a serious mistake like I did, Tuesday night, might have been a wonderful or a terrible thing for me, when I think about it. The incredible threat to my life has helped me appreciate things more.. but is it worth it?
My stomach has stopped hurting, as of last night at about 8, but I still want to see a doctor. I need to know that I'm not dying of appendicitis (JD had it on Scrubs last night) or a stress ulcer or I've accidently OD'd on meds or SOMETHING! I just need to know what's going on with my body.
In other news, looks like I'm going to UCSB next year unless I can convince my parents that they should pay for NYU.. which is never, ever, going to happen, seeing as we've had about 25 arguments about the same subject this week. Not even exaggerating. Oh well.. I tried to get excited about UC Santa Barbara last night, though, and look up housing and honors programs online and whatnot. I still feel like it's a drunken party whore kind of school, though, and the fact that I'm in their honors program is not going to change the fact that I have less of a chance finding cool, interesting, smart people there that I actually want to be friends with than at NYU.. which is what I want from college in the first place. Those kind of people as friends who I can party with (sometimes), an expanded mind and world view, fun (how does one even categorize that?), a high level of education, a tolerant atmosphere with a small amount of frats and sororities, opportunities, especially good psychology programs, a city..
Whatever. I probably won't get over it anytime soon, but I will try to deal the best I can. Preferably not by going mental again.
I miss writing, so this felt good. Maybe I'll continue with this, make the background of the website really schnazzy, put photos up, write stories... lots of possibility. We'll see.